hope they serve whiskey in hell

me: HA
me: (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her: LOL
her: i think i will use that out loud

her: so a deaf guy has been emailing me from okcupid
me: that could be rad
her: which is cool, and i know some sign language and have always wanted to be fluent
me: do you realize the potential there?
her: i'm just wondering how the dirty talk would go during sex
me: HAHAHA
me: CRYING
me: how would you fight?
her: hey. valid question there. lol
her: oh, fighting looks AWESOME in sign
me: im evil
me: i keep playing it in my head
her: me too
me: a mouth open and moaning out
her: HAHAHAHAAH
me: but hands moving
her: right
me: aslkhdasdhasdlkjh
her: during a fight, not so bad
her: during sex?
her: fucking concentration BROKEN
me: ASKJhda
her: PHEW
me: and the sign for 'hit it from the back' takes both hands and about 15 seconds to sign
her: ROFL
her: CHOKING!!!!!
me: HAHA
her: my officemate thought i was crying
her: for real
me: please date this guy
her: omg
me: i want video tapes of everything
her: adso090990
me: WITH audio
her: LMAO
her: we're going to go to hell
me: i am going to hell
me: aKJSdhalkjsdh
her: LALLAOA)!@)*(~

wifi hotspot hottie

brian: cool spot, hot spots, free listing
melissa: what in the fuck is a hot spot
melissa: oh
melissa: you mean wifi
brian: wifi hotspot hottie
melissa: thats what i call my home
melissa: just an fyi to you
brian: i thought it was the love lair
melissa: i think both actually work in this case.

what's dsl?

melissa: DUDE
melissa: we get free DSL!
melissa: and a taxes and surcharge only phone bill
melissa: and $10 discount on directv
melissa: woot!
captain: ugh
captain: sweet
captain: what's dsl?
melissa: its like dial up but faster
melissa: we have it
melissa: but we turn it into wireless
captain: sweet
melissa: youre so cute.

dont throw up or look me in the eye(s)

[15:44] lissa: sometimes, do you find it too much to look in peoples eye when youre having a conversation with them?
[15:44] Litas: depends...if i talk to you i stare at ur soul
[15:45] Litas: if a teammate is talking to me as i work i tend not to look at them
[15:45] Litas: but otherwise i look at people in the eye
[15:45] lissa: hm
[15:45] lissa: when i talk to *girls name*, shes a big eye contact maker
[15:46] lissa: and when she looks directly at me like that in a very engaging way, i feel naked
[15:46] Litas: yeah that's kinda creepy
[15:46] lissa: i need to work on that.
[15:46] Litas: totally with you on that one
[15:46] lissa: ok good
[15:46] Litas: like i look at people in the eye, but when they LOOOK back scary!
[15:46] lissa: i thought i was the only one
[15:47] lissa: well i then get kinda weird about it
[15:47] lissa: like which eye am i looking at
[15:47] lissa: am i looking at her nose?
[15:47] Litas: you look in the center
[15:47] lissa: then i cant hear what shes saying
[15:47] Litas: yes
[15:47] lissa: cause im feeling naked
[15:47] lissa: and staring at her eyebrow
[15:47] Litas: SNORT
[15:47] lissa: lol
[15:47] Litas: friend i love you
[15:47] lissa: thats what just happened.
[15:47] Litas: ok well that's how i feel about *other girls name*
[15:47] lissa: oh no
[15:47] Litas: see i forget she has a wack eye and then i REMEMBER
[15:48] Litas: and it's like they're fighting for attention
[15:48] Litas: HAHA
[15:48] Litas: FRIEND
[15:48] Litas: DYING
[15:48] lissa: NO
[15:48] lissa: haha
[15:48] Litas: FRIEND
[15:48] Litas: going to choke on my water
[15:48] lissa: ok
[15:48] Litas: u know how that went last time
[15:48] Litas: crying
[15:48] Litas: ok swallowed
[15:48] Litas: whew
[15:48] lissa: ok good
[15:48] lissa: dont throw up on your keyboard
[15:48] lissa: i wont be over to help clean it up
[15:48] Litas: FRIEND!
[15:48] lissa: thats a lie
[15:49] lissa: i cant believe how calm and professional i was about that
[15:49] lissa: sigh
[15:49] lissa: i love you
[15:49] Litas: dude that's how i knew you were ready for momhood
[15:49] lissa: i didnt have any gag reflex
[15:49] lissa: which is weird
[15:49] lissa: but if you bleed
[15:49] Litas: nope it was shut up clean up and move on
[15:49] lissa: im passing out
[15:49] lissa: and throwing up
[15:49] Litas: HAHA
[15:49] Litas: friend that totally played out in my head
[15:49] lissa: motherhood takes a backseat again
[15:49] Litas: it was really funny
[15:49] Litas: like a cartoon just now
[15:49] lissa: heh

oh. you know jesus?

[10:52]dj02: i moving next week
[10:52]lissa: to where
[10:52]dj02: sherman oaks
[10:52]lissa: with whom
[10:52]dj02: my friend jesus
[10:52]lissa: dude
[10:52]lissa: no way
[10:53]dj02: way
[10:53]lissa: youre gonna live with jesus?
[10:53]dj02: indeed
[10:53]dj02: lolz
[10:53]lissa: thats pretty cool.
[10:53]dj02: ya
[10:53]lissa: is he gonna do some cool tricks?
[10:53]dj02: the place is awesome
[10:53]lissa: like the whole walk on water stuff?
[10:53]dj02: lmao!!!
[10:53]lissa: wait a minute..
[10:53]dj02: im going to see if he can
[10:53]lissa: you mean HAY zeuz.
[10:53]lissa: i think that still means jesus
[10:53]lissa: so yeha
[10:54]lissa: give the tricks a try
[10:54]lissa: especially that one where he turns water to wine
[10:54]lissa: im dying to see that shit man
[10:54]dj02: thats what im all about
[10:54]dj02: lol

cspan

melissa: ive come to realize that cspan is boring.
melissa: cspan2 is worse
melissa: cause if they didnt have enough to put on cspan, there's another channel of the senate NOT EVEN TALKING
*my bff: that's why you just need to watch maury
melissa: i cant. im technically working
melissa: its just really really slow today
*my bff: oh then no maury you'll get too distracted
melissa: wow
melissa: im sorry
melissa: cspan2 is far superior to cspan
melissa: these senate guys are ruthless

IT'S DIFFERENT!

[13:19] me: ohs noes!
[13:19] me: tim russert!
[13:19] mom: just saw that....very sad
[13:19] me: what the hell am i gonna watch on sat morning!?
[13:19] mom: cartoon?
[13:20] mom: same thing....
[13:20] mom: lol
[13:20] me: i likes watching meet the press tho
[13:20] mom: someone else will take over i am sure
[13:20] me: not the same
[13:20] me: like when chrissy left and terry moved in
[13:20] me: it was different
[13:21] me: like when roseanne's becky changed
[13:21] me: ITS DIFFERENT
[13:21] me: becky 1 or becky 2
[13:21] mom: youre funny
[13:22] mom: but look at james bond!
[13:22] me: ..
[13:22] me: thanks mom
[13:22] mom: smooches
[13:22] mom: welcome
[13:25] mom: Look at batman
[13:25] me: enough.

srsly?

heathaho: my name is heather. i'm your biggest fan
melissa: wow
melissa: mine?
heathaho: yarp
melissa: thanks

when all else fails

melissa: thats completely unacceptable that we cant give them dates.
melissa: that process is RETARDED.
daniel: lol...like yahoo, "Sooo...when will the change appear on Yahoo?"
daniel: ummm
melissa: the integrity of our local data should be good if it is IN our system.
daniel: "3 months from now?"
melissa: if the data is bad, then it shouldnt be in there. period.
daniel: yup
melissa: yeah yahoo changes are a fucking headache.
melissa: i kid you not, i opened 5 site issues on thursday last week
melissa: all about extended distribution
daniel: i wonder how many extended distribution site issues they get every week?
melissa: probably not enough to warrant an investigation of the connection between our sites.
daniel: lol...great
daniel: good times
melissa: yep
melissa: all around
melissa: beer pong?
daniel: absolutely

the voodoo thing

[14:17] carlo: voodoo working yet?
[14:18] melissa: no :(
[14:18] melissa: we think he's gay
[14:18] carlo: ungay potions r tricky
[14:18] melissa: but way far back in the closet.
[14:18] carlo: oo
[14:19] carlo: still in narnia
[14:19] melissa: yeah
[14:19] melissa: exactly

my secret is no secret

greg l: Oh....how cruel you are... Your techniques are indeed devious
melissa: ill let you in on a little secret...
melissa: im part evil
greg l: I'll let you in on a little secret...your secret is not a secret.
melissa: hahhaha DAMN!

oh what?

i had a horrible day. and i had to take it out on someone.

mel: <3
mel: sorry
mel: im bitchy
daniel: you're cute when you're mad
mel: lol
mel: no im not
daniel: lol...i thought it was cute
mel: meh..
mel: thanks

who si my lover?

[17:16] cupcake: I FEEL SICK
[17:16] Possum of the Grotto: oh!?
[17:16] cupcake: yeah
[17:16] Possum of the Grotto: tell me lissa
[17:16] Possum of the Grotto: WHO SI YOUR LOVER!?
[17:16] cupcake: LOL
[17:16] cupcake: i will not.
[17:16] Possum of the Grotto: *slap*
[17:16] Possum of the Grotto: what's it gonna take?
[17:16] cupcake: dont slap me whore
[17:17] cupcake: maybe you'll know next week
[17:17] cupcake: WHY ARE YOU SO NOSEY
[17:17] Possum of the Grotto: I WANT TO KNOW
[17:17] Possum of the Grotto: my ass butter is sticky :(
[17:17] cupcake: your sick nate

proof that 16 yr old speak can rub off

arri: i'm a good girl
mel: LOL
arri: wayne looks so good when he came over here and sat down
mel: yeah
mel: he's fly
arri: yes, very fly

stalker thursday

mel: ..... and i havent seen you yet
jason: yep. been busy
jason : i was out there earlier
mel: where was i?
jason : and i smiled at your window
jason : you were there....i think
mel: hmmm
jason: dont you ever feel like youre being stared at?
jason : well if you do, thats me
mel: sometimes
mel: but i just assume that its the paparazzi
jason : nope...its the papa-bunny
mel: lol

i dont smell like soap today.

[11:45] eric, crim...whatever: I smell fruit
[11:46] eric, crim...whatever: must be teh fructiese...the shapoo that smell like fruit
[11:47] partly cloudy: i smell
[11:47] partly cloudy: um
[11:47] partly cloudy: ok
[11:47] partly cloudy: i forgot that step this morning
[11:47] partly cloudy: damnit
[11:47] eric, crim...whatever: hehe
[11:47] partly cloudy: no soap for me today
[11:48] partly cloudy: but somehow i remembered to put on perfume
[11:48] partly cloudy: so i guess its not all that bad
[11:48] partly cloudy: oh wait
[11:48] partly cloudy: LOL
[11:48] partly cloudy: ok
[11:48] partly cloudy: i think i put it on
[11:48] partly cloudy: but only under one arm
[11:48] partly cloudy: rofl
[11:48] eric, crim...whatever: lmao
[11:48] partly cloudy: thats awesome

It's rather pleasant

[09:31] fraulein: you know
[09:31] fraulein: i want to tell you
[09:31] fraulein: ive been smelling soap lately
[09:32] fraulein: and im like wtf
[09:32] fraulein: why am i smelling soap
[09:32] fraulein: like its a super clean smell
[09:33] fraulein: anyways
[09:33] fraulein: i figured it out this morning
[09:33] Eric: Strange
[09:33] fraulein: its my deodorant
[09:33] fraulein: cause i changed to dove
[09:33] fraulein: and thats what i smell like
[09:33] fraulein: dove.
[09:34] Eric: lol...I had the same experience
[09:34] Eric: I bought what I though was my regular stuff
[09:35] Eric: and I was smelling baby powder all day
[09:35] Eric: I was like...wtf??
[09:35] fraulein: lol!
[09:35] fraulein: you bought womens deodorant!
[09:35] Eric: lol no
[09:35] Eric: I was Sure regular instead of Sure non-scented
[09:36] Eric: has a light smell. Rather pleasant
[09:36] Eric: been buying it ever since

the 949?

[09:24] Eric: who has the area code of 949?
[09:25] fraulein: texas?
[09:25] fraulein: no
[09:25] fraulein: jersey
[09:25] fraulein: damn
[09:25] fraulein: i was way off
[09:25] Eric: 949CA California: S Coastal Orange County
[09:25] fraulein: yeha
[09:25] fraulein: thats what i mean
[09:26] fraulein: call them back
[09:26] fraulein: tell them lissa said hi
[09:26] Eric: lol will do
[09:26] fraulein: kinda like how my friend called me yesterday at 830am
[09:27] fraulein: to ask me if i was awake
[09:27] fraulein: i said no
[09:27] fraulein: he said well then call me back when you are
[09:27] fraulein: so i called him back around 1030
[09:27] fraulein: his wife answers the phone
[09:27] fraulein: and i had like a 5 min convo with her
[09:27] fraulein: and he never called me back
[09:27] fraulein: douchebag.
[09:27] fraulein: wow
[09:27] fraulein: that totally doesnt relate to your sitution
[09:27] fraulein: my bad.
[09:27] Eric: haha

why is she eating again?

melissa: why is she eating again?
daniel: lol
daniel: when is she not eating?
melissa: lol
daniel: she has a freekin 7-11 in her desk
daniel: twinkies, slurpee machine,
melissa: lol
daniel: sodas
daniel: i bet there's an indian guy hiding up there too
melissa: lol
melissa: stop it

need insurance?

daniel: http://www.statefarm.com/apps/agentLoc/AgentInformation.asp?na=US&st=53&ofc=8425
daniel: i'd "buy insurance" off this one
daniel: if you know what i mean
melissa: LOL
(i laughed so hard i snorted)
melissa: omg
daniel: well...i would definitely "get a homeowners policy" off this chick

los angeles traffic vs. greg = ftw!

greg: phew made it home and back
melissa: excellent
melissa: home & back ftw!
greg: lol gg ^^
melissa: thx
greg: see your 1337 already. rd to wow
greg: j4x0r n00bs
melissa: naw.
greg: lol
melissa: im not going to be teh wowing
greg: haha

the workplace should read the giggle corner

Jake: no
fraulein: holy hell
fraulein: crisis monday
fraulein: everyone and their dog has issues
Jake: lol
Jake: send them to your giggle corner
fraulein: seriously
fraulein: they need a giggle

office action

there's a paper jam.

i casually sit at my desk. im wearing a new jacket. i dont want ink on it.
then i hear:

'ok i can't find this. is anybody good at jams?'

why mom isnt going to the oktoberfest

mom: free beer if hes working that booth?
melissa: he didnt give me free beer last year
mom: a-hole
melissa: doesnt matter
melissa: its not like its expensive
mom: true
melissa: and hello, im your daughter. i pre-party
mom: LOL
mom i dont know what youre talking about
melissa: hahah ok lady janes
mom: and thats why i am not going to octoberfest
melissa: cause you dont wanna party with your daughter?
mom: dont want to be seeing you try out your strippin techniques
melissa: hahah ya. me with my bum foot. however, amber will
mom: lalllaalalalalala
mom: dont hear you

why i get good grades

melissa: its like week 7 of school
melissa: and i havent read anything out of the books
melissa: and im managing a B in soc and an A in art
carlo: its cuz ur a genie
carlo: reading is pointless
melissa: agreed
carlo: as long as u pay attention in class then pow!
melissa: lol
melissa: my classes are online
melissa: i dont even sit there and listen to anyone
melissa: everything is based on me reading
carlo: haha
carlo: well its cuz u watch law n order. thats why u have good grades
melissa: ya.. thats what i figured
melissa: you are so right


but there's an update!

carlo: u missed out on the side boob hour on family guy
melissa: no i didnt
melissa: its tivo'ed
carlo: oo
carlo: seee, thats why ur passing with good grades
carlo: genie!
melissa: heh.. the mighty tivo not only records television, but makes me pass college
carlo: indeed. its pretty handy

i work with Lo Pan

melissa: i work with someone that looks like lo pan
carlo: hahaha
carlo: big trouble in little china eh
carlo: does the lo pan girl have a long beard too
melissa: no
melissa: she should tho
melissa: but shes got long stringgy hair
carlo: oo
carlo: does she have long pinky nails
melissa: no
carlo: i would block all magical attacks with mine but i cut it
melissa: but shes got a big gut
carlo: ooo stringy hair AND big gut
carlo: i think im in love
melissa: im gonna put a weaved basket on my head and do kung fu infront of her
carlo: haha
melissa: i think thats going to make the lightning bolt deflector sheild react
carlo: it just might
melissa: ya
melissa: it will. dont you worry
carlo: ill be the inflatable guy n explode
melissa: good call

i spend too much time in bars

(nate shows me & jake a picture of a bike frame)

melissa: that shits gangsta
Nate: if by gangsta, you mean phil collins, then yes
melissa: phil collins is straight up gangsta. ive heard 'in the air tonight'
Nate: lol
Nate: i don't like cricket...
Nate: i love it...
melissa: the darts game?
melissa: or the sport
Nate: lol
melissa: cause i love both
Jake: lol x 2

im competitive on one foot

we're about to have a picnic:

MQ: If you can’t find anyone for the leg race, I’ll do it with you. I’m competitive when it comes to games.
melissa: Hehheh.. M, I was kidding. I really have a foot injury and I cant be putting that kind of strain on it. But thanks for the offer
MQ:Ok. That’s very funny. I didn’t hear that part! You should try hopping on 1 foot.

the vertically challenged and why i moved my desk

daniel: dood...do you like midgets?
melissa: who doesnt
daniel: come hither

***********************************

daniel: why did you have to move
melissa: cause
daniel: godammit
melissa: that desk sucks
melissa: major balls
daniel: yes...just like some girls i know
daniel: but
daniel: that doesn't mean you had to move
daniel: desks
daniel: godammit
melissa: no dude
melissa: the whole area sucks
daniel: lol
melissa: i felt exposed
melissa: and violated
melissa: like a dirty whore
daniel: lol

southern belle?

MQ: Are you from the south? Cause you have a southern accent.
melissa: no. im from 10 mins away.
MQ: Oh. you still sound like your from the south.


say what ya'll?

dont care about hunting women

greg: i told carlo i stopped caring about hunting for women. he says the right woman is the one u roofy

during a bad day, i dont need your hug... apparently.

enrique: Enrique: "what you need is a hug" Melissa: "I dont need affection to feel better, fuck that"

melissa: ROFL
melissa: im so blogging this